Back

There is so much talk of going back. Back to school. Back to work. Back to normal… But, what if I don’t want to go back? What if I want to stay here? Cocooned in this perfect little space. My life didn’t contain space before. Everything packed in, vacuum sealed. Cemented against my shoulds. The idle chatter. The empty contest. Race to race. Busy to busy. No air to breathe. No window to see.

But I see now. And I can breathe. Again. Maybe for the first time. I breathe you in and it tastes like happiness. Like joy. Enoughness.

Does going back mean going backwards? Turning my back on the direction I’m heading? Shouldn’t one always be forward facing? Looking ahead to what is possible? Looking here at what is now? Why back, then, do we seek? Back feels stagnant. Regressive, even. What is back there?

For me, the trail is strewn with days I wasn’t true to myself. Ways I wasn’t true to what mattered. Abandoning minutes in the inconsequential abyss. Willfully giving away my freedom to whatever ill plagued me worst. Squandering abundance.

When, all along, this was here. The present, gift right in front of me. Slow down. Feel the warmth on my skin. The glow in my heart. The words in my soul.

How will I hear in the noise? How will I see in the blur? How will I dance in the crowd? Will I remember how to dance? Will the fairy inside me still move freely?

No. I will not risk it. They may go back to whatever normal might have been. I shall stay back. Back here. In the glow of what could be, if only there was time. For, we’ve learned, of course, there is time. Time for hugs. Dreams. Snuggles in the morning. Time alone with my words. Bubble baths and baking. Seashells and seashores. Long, winding trails with no destination. Rocks to climb and streams to cross. Pausing at a breathtaking view – mountain, valley, golden blonde curl… Time for gratitude. And for living in that gratitude. Surrounded. Full.

Yes, I’ll stay back here.