Uncertainty

I wait.
I can feel everything start to clench
From my chest through to my core.
Like a spreading warmth…
With thorns…
Twisting and wounding as it unfurls.
Catching my breath on its sharpness.
So many things circling.
So much up in the air.
So many consequences flowing from each outcome.
So much to plan for,
Yet impossible to chart a course.
How do I find peace?
Bracing for the other shoe to drop.

I look back at my life.
Has anything ever been certain?
Did I spend nights awake for not knowing?
How will it go? Who will I be? Will it be enough?
Did I greet each day with dread as the details hung in the balance?
How, then, did I survive?
And what for survival?
Is that mere goal enough?
I want to thrive.
To live each day to the fullest.
How foolish to waste each day of blessings given
Fearing those that might be taken away.
But, fool I am.
And ever foolish I’ve become.

Can I find rhythm in this great expanse of sound?
Music in the noise?
Jazz has no fixed tune.
Each instrument,
Playing in the moment.
Reading and responding to what unfolds.
Dancing with what’s present.
And it somehow finds its way.
Yes.
I will dance again.
I will move to the melody
Of all that comes my way.
I will find beauty,
Even when the next note is unknown.