It’s funny how things can change in an instant. Or, rather, not funny. But, they can.
How many times have I been worked up about some trivial thing, only to realize I’ve completely lost the tether? How many times do I have to learn this lesson? That health and love are all that matter?
I’ve had a few wakeup call moments in my life. For each, however painful, I am deeply grateful. Each time, it was like the universe asked me – Are you living it the way you want to? And, if not, what are you waiting for?
I remember the night that my beloved dog died. I was anxious and upset about office politics. Distracted. Had been for some time. It wasn’t until she let out that one last woeful wail that I realized what was happening, dropped to my knees and held her as her life slipped out of her body. The last few weeks of taking her loving company for granted, coming abruptly to a permanent halt.
I don’t think I’ve been the same since then. Yet, I still forget. I still lose the thread.
It was only three months later that I got a scary diagnosis. We were deep in a dreaded house renovation at the time. For anyone that’s navigated one of those (especially trying to live and work at home throughout), it probably comes as no surprise that the project and associated stress were consuming me at that time. Trying to juggle that on top of my day job and wearing my many other hats ate up all the free space. I was just trying to make everything fit and get through it. Thinking nothing of my checkups, other than to lament that they were one more thing I had to try to squeeze into an already packed schedule.
Which is ridiculous if you think about it. Our health and our loved ones are all we have. Yet, they can be an afterthought.
I think there’s something about being a “successful” professional. Busyness becomes just another measure of our achievement. And, we become too busy for everything. Including basic life functions. Go to the doctor? But, when? Figure out what our children need to thrive? Who has the time? And, the thing is, no one models it for us. In fact, the opposite. It can feel like taking care of ourselves and our loved ones is a subversive act of rebellion. Blasphemy! Dangerously so…
Until…we run smack into the wall of reality. The truth that, run ourselves ragged or not, we can’t outrun our own mortality. We can’t wish away the passage of time. Or the ravaging of the years. We all must pay the piper eventually.
And, so, we wait. We know it’s coming. We don’t know when or how. But, it is…
Often, we get glimpses of that knowledge. And, it’s too much. So, again, the cycle continues and we busy ourselves. Thinking perhaps the energy of experiences or glow of accolades will distract us from the inevitable. And, we’re so good at distracting ourselves. Until, we realize, once again, that none of it matters.
When will we learn? When will I learn? Life is like the band playing on the Titanic. The music won’t go on forever. We must enjoy it while it lasts. I’ve often heard that fateful concert referenced as this tragically futile moment. But, it’s also kind of lovely, right? Living it all and embracing beauty right until the very end. What would really be futile would be the violinist fretting about how she hit her notes. Or only being there to begin with because she abandoned her dreams and did what she thought she was “supposed to” do, having never really wanted to be a violinist in the first place.
What would you do if you knew nothing else mattered? What would you dare if you knew this was all some grand mirage?
As the sun sets over the mountains, I wonder if it will see my Some Day. Or will I have squandered one day too many…
Soliloquy on Imperfectionism 